Yet more jargon to take on board

first_imgYet more jargon to take on boardOn 7 Mar 2000 in Personnel Today Previous Article Next Article Comments are closed. Related posts:No related photos. • Britain’s HR departments are obviously awash with “sequentialisedprocesses” and “helicopter views” judging by the deluge ofmanagement jargon Guru has been on the receiving end of again this week.Guru can’t blame readers for wanting to remain anonymous in their donationof jargon. Some of these examples of double speak would make even the mostearnest “facilitator” blush.• Critical mass (Support, as in, ‘I don’t have the critical mass tocarry out this project’)• I’m behind on the power curve (I haven’t caught up with everyoneelse yet)• Leveraging synergies (Stealing good ideas from other sites)• Break the glass mentality/Out of the box (Be entrepreneurial)• Supplier Deflation (Pay less for more)• People Pipeline (Succession planning)• Operationalisation (Integrate)• Takeaway (The summary at the bottom of a viewfoil)• Drive Cycletime (Do it quicker)Finally, thanks to Matthew Thomas of Recruitment Vérité for providing themost jargon-laden job advert ever:”Dynamic, quality-focused, results-driven teamplayer needed to captureand park ideas, run them up the flagpole to see which way they fly then grabthem by the scruff of the neck and run off with them. This is a senior corerole within our strategic cultural change management initiative, requiringsomeone of graduate calibre with vision, commercial acumen and excellentinterpersonal sensitivity/ communication skills. Package is competitive, thoughnot set in stone as this isn’t rocket science, moreover there is no pointre-inventing the wheel. In the first instance, touch base and we’ll make awindow for some down time.”Research you can really trust• Research by the Open University Business School has managed to prove whata lot of us knew already – that no one trusts a politician.The OU surveyed nearly 600 managers and professionals on their views of thetrustworthiness of various groups. Politicians managed to grab the hallowedlast place followed closely by… er… journalists and sales people.The study found that managers thought the most trustworthy people werefriends and family.Still the managers surveyed don’t come across as the sharpest tools in thebox, as they collectively fingered themselves as the fourth least trustworthyprofession. Upfront they may be, but smart they ain’t.Bitter and twistedGuru has to admit that he knew he was asking for trouble when he askedreaders last week if they could spot any inanimate objects earning more thanthem.Patrick Tolson came back with “how about the Cabinet?” – boomboom! And one reader, who for some reason prefers to remain anonymous, replied,”Our HR director”.God squad of fathers in arms• Guru was intrigued to read last week that the Army is spending £2m onrecruiting chaplains. The idea is to give every unit its own cleric to lookafter the moral and spiritual development of the soldiers, who too often thesedays are, apparently, motivated by a “mercenary and self-interested”approach to the job.Guru thinks the Adjutant General’s department (personnel) deserves a medalfor a clever bit of skills redeployment – although it might want to tone downcommandment number 5 a bit – and looks forward to the creation of the firstcrack units of God Squaddies.last_img